Quotes from The Private Eyes

Line at beginning of film
All's well that ends satisfactorally.

Note with Mr. Uwatsum
In this house it's hard to survive
Some will be dead who are now alive
Mr. Uwatsum is gona cuz he knew too much
Bye for now but rest assured, we will keep in constant contact with each other [keep in touch]

Note on Tibet's gravestone
To dig your own grave is quite a sight
But to bury yourself is not very bright
There are more to kill and the job will be done
Now there are five, soon there will be a lot less [none]

Note with Jock
If Jock could talk, he'd give you a clue
But now that he's dead, what can you do?
He deserved what he got, I don't regret it a bit
By the way, you're standing in bull caca [umm... yeah...]

In Dr. Tart's pocket in his coat in a closet
I said when I died that I'd come back
If you believe in ghosts then you're on the right track
I'm out of the grove and roaming the moors
If you wanna be safe you'd better lock all the windows and screens [doors]

Note with Hilda
Hilda is dead, there's something to note
I can't bury her at sea cuz her bosoms will float

Note with Justin on a pie pan
Now there's one less that has to be fed
But Justin can't serve you cuz he's dead
The guru was right, you can't come back
When you said there was a ghost, you were on the right trail [track]

Note with Nanny recited by a talking porcelain doll
Listen up dummies, the help is all gone, the house is bare
Now you know "The Shadow" is there
There's one left to die then my job will be done
I like killing people, it's a lot of kicks [fun]

Attached to a spear
Now you will see I can do something right
I'm going to show you a killer tonight
I want Phylis to come to my chamber and see
Who was the one who murdered Lady Morley and myself [me]
--Private Eyes (Don Knotts and Tim Conway, Inspector Winship and Dr. Tart, respectively)